Separation

For a Cheap North Carolina Divorce Start Cooperating

Published on: June 5, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Here’s something that should not come as news to anyone going through the process: divorce can be expensive. When a couple decides to end their marriage, it is almost always for personal reasons but these emotional issues can quickly change into fights over money. The result can be financial destruction for both parties. Everybody loses, except the attorneys. The bit of good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. Divorce doesn’t have to destroy both parties financially; the decision rests in your hands.

If you want your divorce to stay calm (and less costly) you have to keep some of the emotion out. Years of bitterness have built up but you can’t let that distract you from the goal of reasonably dividing assets. Deal with your emotions in therapy, not in a battle of lawyers. Your divorce should be about dividing property, not righting wrongs.

Many couples fall into one of a few traps that lead to the endless cycle of fighting and pumped up divorce fees. Watch for the following issues and you can help avoid financial disaster.

• Anger – Couples that carry around bitterness or jealousy and approach divorce like a war can result in sky-high legal bills. If the couple is out to destroy one another then the result is often mutual destruction.

• Ignorance – Not understanding the process, the couple can make expensive mistakes that take time and money to undo.

• Speed – Couples that are in a dead rush can create more problems than they think they’re solving. When one party is so eager to finish the marriage they can make rash and ill-advised decisions which lead to terrible consequences down the road.

• Delegation – While you certainly need to rely on the advice of your attorney, don’t turn the whole process over and let them run the show. If you are hands off then your lawyers can get into a paper war which succeeds only in raising their fees and draining you of money.

Now that you know what leads to the problems, here are some strategies that can be employed to keep costs from ballooning out of control:

Divorce in Mecklenburg County, NC and Facebook

Published on: May 10, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Facebook recently received tons of attention thanks to its disappointing IPO. Its’ now in the news for a different and surprising reason, a survey that revealed that in 2011 one-third of all divorce filing contained the word “Facebook.” The Wall Street Journal mentioned the shocking statistic and highlighted the news that 80% of U.S. divorce attorneys believe social networking in divorce proceedings is on the rise, according to data from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

Attorneys cite examples of Facebook being brought up in the course of depositions, as evidence of infidelity or children’s pages being used to prove bad parenting. Once the information is released into the world it’s impossible to get it back and remains ripe for the picking when a contentious divorce takes place.

Only three years ago 20% of all divorce filings contained the word “Facebook.” Today that number stands at 33%, according to the AAML. Though the percentage increased the main reasons for the mentions have remained the same: inappropriate messages to people of the opposite gender and nasty comments between separated spouses.

One expert who researchers the relationship behavior of college students said that breaking up via Facebook is a way for some to permanently end a relationship that has been dragging on for far too long. Doing something so public is a good way to air dirty laundry and ensures that no attempt at reconciliation occurs.

Charlotte, North Carolina Divorce Advice – Relationships with Former In-Laws

Published on: May 3, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to a recent article in the New York Times, divorce couples face a tricky issue that they may never have expected when beginning the process of separating from their significant other: grandparents. Most parents want them involved in their children’s lives but it can be complicated given hurt feelings on both sides.

If the divorce was civil and no one was at fault things might be fairly simple, but what if things didn’t go so swimmingly? The goal for parents should be keeping the grandparents in the family regardless of the parents’ differences. The following suggestions can help ease a difficult transition:

1. Figure out your own relationship with your ex’s parents.

What’s your relationship with your former spouse’s parents? Do you visits with them? If you’re comfortable, go for it. Coffee, e-mails, texts are great. If you’re not, now’s a good time to practice being civil. Don’t let whatever emotions you might have towards your husband spill over to the rest of his family.

2. Keep the lines of communication open.

One thing parents can do is make it clear to the grandparents that they have full access to the grandkids no matter what is going on between husband and wife. Make yourself available to the other side of the family, they might be worried about you cutting off contact and an olive branch can go along way to making everyone relax.

3. Issue invitations.

Ideally it would be good for the ex-spouse to take the lead in making certain that his or her parents were invited to graduations, to concerts, to school functions, etc., but if he or she doesn’t, do it anyway. Another good bit of advice is not to limit time with the paternal grandparents to when the kids are with their dad and vice versa for the maternal grandparents.

4. Be aware of the kids’ needs.

Sometimes having everyone gathered at the same time for holidays and family events isn’t what’s best for the kids. Many children won’t want to have their worlds collide with new spouses mixing with their parents and grandparents. If that’s the case, try for more visits under different circumstances. Better to have them spend time one-on-one and have the time be meaningful than put on a show that makes everyone uncomfortable.

Tips for a Better Divorce in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: April 19, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to recent article in Psychology Today, while divorce may be ugly for some it does not have to be that way. For many reasons splitting up happens because two people simply weren’t meant to be married. If you’re trying to find ways to be good to your ex during your divorce follow some of these steps to help keep the peace:

1. Don’t try to be friends too soon.

You’ll both need time to heal and recalibrate following a divorce and making sure that you both have a safe distance from one another will allow you to do that on your own schedule. If your relationship is going to have any chance at becoming something new and healthy that allows you to be friends and strong parenting partners, you have to let it all go first. It may feel lousy and lonely for a while but it’s the best way to move forward.

2. Write everything down
Do not assume either of you will remember or abide by the agreement no matter how friendly things are initially. Get everything down in writing so nobody is tempted to ‘forget.’ When it comes to issues of money and parenting, the more details the better. The more that’s clear the less room there will be for fights later on.

3. Outline clear and effective consequences
Agree on what happens if one person does not follow the agreement or somehow does not follow through with their promises. Like with parenting, you need to know what happens to those who break the rules.

4. Resist old patterns
Part of the relief of divorce is you are no longer responsible for your partner’s multitude of issues. The same goes for them. You both are released from one another so be released. Resist the temptation to give or seek old patterns of support.

Divorce Advice for Befriending your Ex

Published on: April 17, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

The old saying is “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” It’s really easy when meeting your new love’s former spouse to have thoughts turn negative. And while it’s true that some are every bit as evil as you may want to believe, exes don’t always have to be bad news. Contrary to popular belief, there are situations where an ex can be strictly friends or just a helpful co-parent. With that in mind, follow these rules from Match.com to help manage an ex in your life.

1. Set the right tone and be friendly
It’s true what they say; you usually get what you expect from people. If you’re already expecting the wicked witch and treat the ex as such that’s likely what you’ll get. Even if the ex had good intentions your negativity could turn her away.

2. Find common interests the two of you share
You might find that after getting to know the ex that you actually have lots in common (besides your current partner of course). Avoiding over sharing (which we’ll discuss later) and the two of you might be able to get along swimmingly.

3. Never discuss your current relationship issues
As we mentioned above too much information can be a danger of hanging out with an ex. In order to be friendly with your current partner’s ex you MUST leave the personal details of your current relationship out of it. Not only will telling too much invite a third person into your relationship, but it can poison the remaining good feelings between the recently broken up parties.

4. Watch feelings of jealousy
Trust is obviously an important ingredient to any relationship, but when it comes to exes who are still in the picture, it’s essential. Dealing with someone who knew him before you did (and probably knows things about him that you have yet to discover) can be unnerving, to say the least. The fear that they might get back together can lurk beneath the surface but is ultimately destructive not just to your possible friendship but even to your relationship. Constant worrying can create problems that may not have existed in their absence.

What to do if You are Facing Divorce (According to the Huffington Post)

Published on: April 12, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to a recent article on the HuffingtonPost.com, the following steps should be taken if you see a divorce occurring in the not too distant future. These important actions can protect yourself and your future.

1. Go see an experienced North Carolina family law attorney

Many people wait too long before seeking legal advice about an impending divorce. There are things that you could be doing to protect your assets and help ensure a better outcome in the event you do have to go to trial.

2. Gather financial information and put the documents in a safe place
When you decide to get a divorce there’s a chance that money or information has been hidden. An important first step is to make copies of all the records you can get your hands on and photograph any valuable personal property. Collectibles can disappear in the heat of a nasty divorce and proof is often hard to come by. A record of all of these assets should be kept away from your home in a safe deposit box or with a friend.

3. Don’t try to hide money
Most people who try to hide assets from a spouse aren’t very good at it. If you’re caught doing so the judge may decide to rule harshly against your bad behavior or may be more inclined to believe you’ve done more that you just weren’t caught doing. Judges have a great deal of discretion in divorce cases and you always want to appear to be the “good spouse” in the judge’s eyes.

4. Don’t trash your spouse to others, especially the kids
Though it’s easy to do, it’s important for the sake of the children not to attack the other parent during a tough divorce. The same is true of mutual friends, it’s best to follow the old advice that if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. While you may win over the kids in the short-term they will eventually see through the anger of your remarks and may sympathize with the other parent.

Divorce Rings in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: March 29, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to an odd story in the New York Times, the concept of “divorce rings” is starting to gain appeal among a certain set. What is a divorce ring you may ask? Imagine a man bent on one knee, gazing up at surprised woman. He removes a jewelry box from his jacket and hands her a diamond ring in the shape of a broken heart. “Honey, will you divorce me?”
This bizarre scenario may not be as crazy as it seems. Alice Kwartler Antiques is now selling an 18-karat gold and diamond “divorce ring,” complete with a solitaire and jagged broken heart. At $3,200, the ring might cost more than a lot of people’s wedding bands. Rather than symbolizing eternal love, this one is meant to signify that things didn’t work out.
Using rings as a symbol of marital status can be traced back to ancient times. In the modern era, there are three marital statuses: single, married, and divorced. The idea of a “divorce ring” is just another way to signal a shift in a person’s life. The breakup ring would quickly let people know that a marriage is over, just as a wedding ring says that you’re taken. The ring can help avoid tiresome conversations with people about the status of your relationship and serves as a warning sign to newcomers.

Rather than wait to receive such a ring, others might decide to purchase one for themselves as a symbol of surviving the pain of the divorce process. There’s a spirit of starting over, or renewal in the rings and buyers have been known to throw themselves divorce parties or splurge on “divorcemoons.”

After a Divorce in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: March 27, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to one recent article, it can be difficult to know how to approach a future relationship with your ex. It’s complicated given all the water under the bride and can be awkward moving forward. A good general rule of thumb is that amicable splits make for better friendships than ones involving infidelity and jealousy.

The article lays out five questions to ask yourself to determine if you’ve really moved on and are able to just be friends with your former spouse.
1. You immediately want to be friends after breaking up.

Accepting that your partner is no longer part of your life is a great way to move on from the marriage. This realization may allow you to salvage a friendship. People who can’t accept life without their spouse often don’t make for good friends as the underlying reason is to try and stay close to someone they weren’t ready to party with.

2. You miss your ex’s company.

You need to decide what exactly you miss, is it that romantic alone time or the funny jokes you’d tell laugh about together. Articulating this will help you decide whether you are missing the actual person vs. missing the relationship.

3. You talk about the past often.

Taking trips down memory is normal in the beginning to pave over an awkward situation. But if you continue to dwell on the past or have relationship talk that shows that you’re not ready to move on and that you’re only attempting to cling to what once was.

4. You talk about dating other people.

Talking about romantic relationships with new people is awkward, but if jealousy rears its head that’s a good sign that the friendship is not strictly platonic. You may believe that you can maintain a friendship without disclosing each other’s romantic lives, but this is likely untrue. Dating and relationships will continue to be a part of both of your lives and if you are unable to share this, then the point of the friendship lacks the opportunity to grow and change.

5. You think about getting back together one day.

Pretext to a North Carolina Divorce or Just a Fight?

Published on: March 20, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

According to a recent Wall Street Journal article, as couples deal with the difficulties inherent in every relationship it is sometimes hard to know when a fight is just a fight or the beginning of the end.
According to research from the Gottman Institute, couples typically wait an average six years in a less-than-happy marriage before seeking help. Deciding whether and when to call it quits is an obviously difficult and sad process.

A new type of therapy, called “discernment counseling,” offers a new approach. Discernment counseling, pioneered by Bill Doherty, a professor in the family social science department at the University of Minnesota, sets out to help couples decide whether to divorce or remain married. Doherty thought up the idea after a local family court judge mentioned that he was surprised by the number of people divorcing that seemed to get along so well that he was confused why they were splitting up.

In a recent study of divorcing couples published in the Family Court Review, the results showed that about 30% of individuals who were divorcing said they would seriously consider a reconciliation service if it was offered by the court. Further exploration of the numbers showed that after comparing responses of both spouses, about 10% of couples had both partners interested in reconciliation.
Doherty has decided that in 30% of couples headed for divorce one spouse is what is described as “leaning out,” or wanting to go, while the other is “leaning in,” or wanting to stay. In discernment counseling, he helps the leaning-out spouse decide if leaving is the best answer and helps the leaning-in spouse cope with the final decision without worsening the situation. After working through their issues, he lays out three alternatives: marriage as it has been, divorce, or a six-month reconciliation with marriage therapy. Of the 25 couples that have gone through the process 40% decided to try the reconciliation.

Understanding the Importance of a Prenuptial Agreement in North Carolina

Published on: January 31, 2012 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Though most people would agree that marriage is a big step, representing a major life change, very few people understand the magnitude of the decision both legally and financially. People forget that marriage is, after all, a contract entered into by two people and it entails many of the same pitfalls as any other contractual relationship.

One of the things that many people may not realize is that even if one spouse contributes disproportionately more assets or income to the marital partnership, all of the assets likely eventually become merged into one marital pie where the lesser contributing spouse is entitled to half. This means one spouse could possibly walk away with a disproportionately larger share of the assets than they contributed. When couples agree to marry they typically are agreeing to relinquish half of your accumulated assets, something most newlyweds seldom think about. Some couples, likely those who marry young, may not have any appreciable assets. So, it may not be such a concern for them. However, those who have accumulated assets should give careful consideration to the business aspect of their marriage.

People take a business-like approach to other major events with potentially important financial implications like buying a house or a car. Yet when it comes to marriage, rarely is research conducted or fine print examined. A prenuptial agreement is an obvious way to protect yourself and watch out for both parties’ financial wellbeing. However, many people dismiss the idea as either being a sign of lack of genuine affection or as something only used by the ultra-wealthy. Neither is true.

A recent poll by Harris Interactive showed that when asked nearly half of divorced people said they wish they had a prenup when they married. Forty-four percent of single adults say they would want a prenup and yet only about 5% of couples actually go through with it. Why the disconnect?