Divorce

Four Behaviors That Destroy Marriages :: Separation and Divorce Lawyers in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: June 18, 2013 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Attorney Matthew R. Arnold answering the question: “How long does getting a divorce take?”

A recent article discussed how studies have shown that there are four behaviors that experts agree are most often responsible for the destruction of a marriage. In fact, the results show that by watching just 15 minutes of interaction, an expert can predict with a 90 percent accuracy whether a couple will still be together in five years.

The ability to predict a split is not due to fortune telling, but instead because researchers have found a list of four behaviors that are clearly linked to destructive relationships. The first one is accusation. Researchers refer to this as the kiss of death for most marriages and it happens when one or both spouses have a tendency to assign blame towards their partner, especially without knowing the full story. Experts say to avoid the problem and have a happy marriage, it’s important to try and give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best, rather than the worst. Also, work on rephrasing accusations as questions, which are much less confrontational.

Next is escalation and this happens when one or both partners attempt to deflect blame by escalating arguments. Rather than respond to a complaint with another complaint, try and stay calm. Remember that it’s better to be in love than it is to be right. Try and be understanding and move towards resolution of a problem rather than fight to get one over on your spouse.

The third destructive relationship behavior is invalidation. When one person invalidates their partner it means they discredit or weaken them in some way, either by constantly belittling them or focusing on negative aspects of their personality rather than recognizing all the positives. This problem is very similar to bullying and happens when one or both parties feel the need to put the other in their place, constantly highlighting flaws or mistakes. Though this might work for a short time in getting your way, eventually the bullied spouse will tire of the treatment and call it quits, often shocking the other spouse who did not see the split coming.

Oil Billionaire Braces For Potentially Record-Setting Divorce Settlement :: Separation and Divorce Lawyers in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: June 13, 2013 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Attorney Matthew R. Arnold answering the question: “What does uncontested divorce mean?”

The divorce of oil tycoon Harold Hamm has already been a dramatic affair. First there were the allegations of infidelity, then came news of secret audiotapes. Now that the case appears to be winding down, the issue that has everyone talking is the amount of the final settlement, forecasted to be among the largest in history.

Hamm, worth at least $11 billion, is preparing to divorce his wife of 25 years, Sue Ann. Though efforts have been made to keep the financial information quiet, experts have discovered that the two never signed a prenuptial agreement at the time of their marriage, meaning Sue Ann stands to profit handsomely from the arrangement.

Given that Hamm owns more oil than any other American, the fight for the money will be intense. The case has been a complex one, with one report of 50,000 pages of corporate information being turned over. The only issue that has been settled is that the case will move forward as “no-fault”, meaning the accusations of cheating will stay out of the remainder of the case.

Another issue that some experts believe has been resolved, and one that could prove critical to the size of the eventual settlement, is the date of separation. Though the issue may sound insignificant, in this case it could add several zeros to the end of any financial settlement between the parties. Harold Hamm previously argued in court filings that the date of separation was 2003, when the two parties filed for divorce on an earlier occasion and began sleeping in separate bedrooms. Sue Ann Hamm claims the date of separation was in May of 2012.

So You’re Divorced And You Want To Buy A House… :: Separation and Divorce Lawyers in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: June 6, 2013 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Attorney Matthew R. Arnold answering the question: “I’m not getting along with my husband. We’ve been married two weeks and it was a mistake. Can’t I just get an annulment?”

These days it seems like getting a mortgage under the best of circumstances is already hard enough. After all, the banks have tightened requirements and now demand detailed explanations of income, proof of the source of money and lengthy explanations of debt. You might think that given the financial havoc divorce can cause that the chances of getting a house are slim to none. Thankfully that isn’t true so long as you follow a plan.

According to a recent Yahoo Finance article, the trick to getting a mortgage after a divorce is to provide the most complete and honest picture of your financial health. Help the bank understand your financial situation by showing them your divorce decree, any child support obligations and any spousal support payments that go in or out of your accounts. All these things can play a role in whether you will be approved for a loan and it’s best to hand them all over to your banker right away.

The good news if you receive money in the form of child support or alimony is that you can count this income towards what you need to qualify for the mortgage. So long as the income is set to continue for three years then the bank will consider that income stream as part of your application. However, if you are the one making child support or alimony payments, the bank will reduce your borrowing ability as this income cannot be counted towards what you could contribute to your mortgage.

If you were divorced a long time ago you might not realize that the mortgage company will still want to see your divorce decree. Though it may seem surprising given the time that has passed, there’s no statute of limitations on mortgage underwriting and the bank will want to make sure you are not financially on the hook for anything even decades after a split.

Allen Iverson In Custody Fight After Claims He Abducted His Children :: Separation and Divorce Lawyers in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: June 4, 2013 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Attorney Matthew R. Arnold answering the question: “What rules are there for Father’s Right in NC?”

Former professional basketball player Allen Iverson’s already messy divorce appears to be getting worse. Just this past week his ex-wife, Tawanna Iverson, filed documents with a family law court saying that the former Philadelphia 76ers star has taken the couple’s five children and refused to return them.

The latest incident is one in a long string of custody fights the couple has engaged in since they initiated the divorce process. In February, Tawanna won full custody after a family law judge decided that Allen was not capable of managing the children in his current state. The judge ordered that Allen begin seeing a psychiatrist and attend AA meetings for at least one year. Allen was only granted visitation rights in specific circumstances, including that he not consume alcohol within 24 hours of a visit.

The family law judge said that Allen was at times a hindrance to the development of his children and that, if he wanted to see more of them, he would have to invest some time into learning more appropriate ways of interacting with them. Allen called the decision unfair and one-sided and appealed, an appeal he lost in March of this year.

In this most recent case, Tawanna claims Allen has refused to return the five children after he took them for an alleged vacation, something Tawanna believes may never have even happened. According to the court documents, Allen asked permission to take the children to Charlotte, NC for several days in late May for a short vacation. However, when Allen was supposed to return the children they were nowhere to be found. Tawanna claims she tried to set up an exchange at a neutral location, a nearby Target, but that Allen never bothered to show up. Tawanna says she has reliable information that Allen never took the children to Charlotte at all and instead is staying with them at a Sheraton in Atlanta.

Sue Sylvester From “Glee” Announces Split From Wife Of Three Years :: Separation and Divorce Lawyers in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: May 30, 2013 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Attorney Matthew R. Arnold answering the question: “My wife and I are not getting along If I leave the house, can she get me for abandonment?”

Jane Lynch and her wife of three years, Lara Embry, have decided to split. The couple issued a statement saying that while the two deeply care about one another, they have decided to part ways.

Lynch, who is famous for playing coach Sue Sylvester on “Glee”, married Embry, a psychologist, in 2010 in Massachusetts. The couple met at a fundraiser in 2009 and hit it off right away. Embry had two young children at the time the two met, one of which lived full time with the couple after the wedding.

The divorce will mark the end of Lynch’s time as a stepmother given that she has no legal rights or responsibility over the children since that they were the product of Embry’s earlier marriage. It’s a sad split for Lynch who recently gave an interview to People Magazine where she discussed how close she had become with Embry’s children and how amazing it felt to have children to care for.

Lynch’s marriage calls to mind the split last year of one of the first gay couples to marry in California, Robin Tyler and Diane Olson. The pair was part of the original group of same-sex couples who challenged the state’s same-sex marriage ban back in 2008. The two women had known each other for 40 years and were a couple for 18. Despite being a poster child for gay and lesbian rights, Tyler said that in the end, they were only human and couldn’t help running into difficult times. In the end, the marriage simply ran its course.

Putin Not Laughing About Recent Divorce :: Separation and Divorce Lawyers in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: May 28, 2013 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Attorney Matthew R. Arnold answering the question: “What children’s expenses are covered by child support?”

Russian President Vladimir Putin and his soon-to-be ex-wife Lyudmila announced last week that they would be divorcing after 30 years of marriage. The split appears to be caused by the strains of Putin’s job.

In a press conference, Putin and Lyudmila said that they had gradually grown apart over the last several years since Putin assumed power. Apparently the stress and ceremonial obligations took a toll on Lyudmila who said she much preferred a private life not in the spotlight. In words that echo those of many couples who have grown apart due to one spouse’s demanding job, the two said that they had begun to live separate lives and would sometimes go days or weeks without talking.

Though you would think the divorce might set up an epic brawl, the two promised that the split would remain amicable and civilized. The couple has two adult children and say they want to keep things calm for them and for the country. The two say they recognized the demands of the Russian presidency had turned them into different people than when they first met and said the divorce was best for everyone involved.

Putin’s marriage has been the subject of some discussion for years now in Russia and internationally as many reporters took note of how rarely Lyudmila was seen standing beside her husband. Last year rumors surfaced that Putin had begun an affair with a young Russian gymnast and many wonder whether that affair was the straw that broke the camel’s back and led to the recent split.

The Seven Reasons To Get Out Of A Bad Relationship #7: Because You Don’t Know Where Life Will Take You :: Separation and Divorce Lawyers in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: May 21, 2013 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Attorney Matthew R. Arnold answering the question: “Do I need an attorney to get a Divorce in North Carolina?”

In our continuing series of articles based on the Yahoo piece by Ronnie Tyler about seven important reasons to end a bad relationship, we’ve now reached the final bit of advice. The first reason to get out of a bad marriage is because you deserve better. Second, because your children deserve better. Three is because your spouse won’t change (at least not in the time that you want them to). Number four is that someone has to take the first step. The fifth reason is because your environment should not define your state of mind. Number six is because you have to remember that you are in control of your own happiness. Finally, the seventh reason to end a bad marriage is because you never know what life has in store.

Tyler says that she has learned that life is an ever-changing journey and no one knows where the ride will go next. Even in some of the darkest moments, hope of change lies just around the corner. If you are stuck in a dead-end relationship you may not remember what love felt like but that doesn’t mean your good days are behind you.

For one thing, there’s always a chance to make a change and start anew with your current partner. Once you decide that enough is enough and set your mind to either fixing things you might be shocked at how quickly change starts to happen. Shaking up a stale marriage might turn out to be the best decision for both parties who are later able to reconnect and find a new and deeper love.

The Seven Reasons To Get Out Of A Bad Relationship #6: Because You Control Your Happiness :: Separation and Divorce Lawyers in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: May 16, 2013 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Attorney Matthew R. Arnold answering the question: “What does a “No-Fault’ divorce mean in NC?”

In our continuing saga of posts based on the Yahoo piece by Ronnie Tyler about seven important reasons to end a bad relationship, we have now reached the sixth piece of advice. The first reason to get out of a bad marriage is because you deserve better. Second, because your children deserve better. Three is because your spouse won’t change (at least not in the time that you want them to). Number four is that someone has to take the first step. The fifth reason is because your environment should not define your state of mind. Number six is because you have to remember that you are in control of your own happiness.

Tyler says that people who are stuck in a difficult marriage need to take a deep breath and, though it might be hard, own up to their role in the problems. Playing a victim is not only a pointless waste of time, but also a good way to avoid taking responsibility for the part you played in creating the relationship trouble. Though you may not be the one engaging in destructive behavior, it always takes two to tango. You may have permitted bad behavior to go on for too long or sent mixed messages about what kind of treatment you would tolerate from your significant other.

Regardless of the issue, take stock of your situation and then take responsibility, it is the only way to move forward according to Tyler. Once you have acknowledged your own responsibility for the relationship trouble, it is important to take time to come up with some measurable goals to improve things. Don’t just sit back and wait for things to get better, chances are they never will. Improvement only happens with effort on someone’s part.

The Seven Reasons To Get Out Of A Bad Relationship #5: Because Your Environment Should Not Define Your State Of Mind :: Separation and Divorce Lawyers in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: May 14, 2013 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Attorney Matthew R. Arnold answering the question: “Does adultery affect who gets custody?”

In our continuing saga of posts based on the Yahoo piece by Ronnie Tyler about seven important reasons to end a bad relationship, we have now reached the fourth piece of advice. The first reason Tyler offered up to consider getting out of a bad marriage is because you deserve better. The second is that your children deserve better. Three was because your spouse won’t change (at least not in the time that you want them to). Number four was because someone has to take the first step and now, number five: because your environment should not define your state of mind.

Tyler says that it is important in the midst of relationship problems to not let your issues consume your entire way of thinking. Sure, things might be bad at home, but that does not mean you have to adopt a negative outlook on life. Also, just because there are problems does not mean the problems cannot be overcome through hard work and honest communication.

Too many people fall into a trap of thinking that the problems experienced by themselves or their spouses are larger than they actually are. Take a step back, try and maintain some perspective on your relationship issues. You are not the first couple to experience problems and you won’t be the last. Realize that you have options and are not stuck in a bad situation for the rest of your life.

The Seven Reasons To Get Out Of A Bad Relationship #4: Because Someone Has To Take The First Step :: Separation and Divorce Lawyers in Charlotte, North Carolina

Published on: May 9, 2013 | On behalf of Arnold & Smith, PLLC

Attorney Matthew R. Arnold answering the question: “Can any attorney help me with my family law needs in North Carolina?”

In our continuing saga of posts based on the Yahoo piece by Ronnie Tyler about seven important reasons to end a bad relationship, we have now reached the fourth piece of advice. The first reason Tyler offered up to consider getting out of a bad marriage is because you deserve better. The second is that your children deserve better. Three was because your spouse won’t change (at least not in the time that you want them to). Now for number four: because someone has to take the first step.

The conventional wisdom when it comes to relationship advice is that it takes two to tango. People always say that it takes both partners working together to make a relationship work. Marriage counselors say no one spouse can shoulder all the burden of making a marriage healthy and loving. While Tyler agrees that this is usually the case, it is mainly valuable advice for those trying to make a relationship work, not those facing problems.

In the case of couples facing an impasse, the actions of one spouse may be just the trick to get a couple out of a rut and a relationship either back on track or headed for divorce. After all, there is no guarantee that both parties will be on the same page at the same time or that the problems that are bothering one spouse will also be a concern to the other. Rather than sit around and wait for your partner to be bothered by the same thing, it can be a good thing to take action on your own and give your spouse a chance to catch up.