Charlotte Divorce Attorney Matthew R. Arnold of Arnold & Smith, PLLC answers the question “Does adultery affect my divorce case?”
Have you ever thought about paying a partner for their fidelity? A recent case tells the tale of a couple who tried to contract for just that. It ends with the scorned lover suing his ex-girlfriend to recover over $700,000 in gifts that he gave her throughout the relationship and reporting the gifts to the IRS as income payments.
Charlotte Divorce Attorney Matthew R. Arnold of Arnold & Smith, PLLC answers the question “What does uncontested divorce mean?”
As same-sex couples in the Tar Heel State and elsewhere fight in courts and legislatures for the right to marry, other people have been seeking “mutually beneficial” relationships short of marriage.
According to the chief executive officer of one Charlotte company that links older men looking for “love” with young women looking for money, the “sugar daddy” business is booming.
Brandon Wade, founder of SeekingArrangement.com, told WBTV that a “sugar daddy” is a man who is both successful and generous and who is willing to foot the bill for a high-class lifestyle for a young, attractive person, in exchange for that person’s friendship or companionship. Data gathered by SeekingArrangement shows that about one per every 250 Charlotte men is a sugar daddy.
Old is, as the saying goes, in the eye of the beholder, and the average sugar daddy may not be as old as some suspect. Wade said the average North American sugar daddy is about 44-years-old and has a net worth of just under $8 million. On average, sugar daddies spend about $4,000 per month on their sugar babies.
Charlotte-area sugar daddies make around $250,000 per year and are worth some $4.1 million, on average. They spend just over $3,000 per month on their sugar babies.
Board Certified Family Law Specialist Matt Arnold of Arnold & Smith, PLLC answers the question ” I’m not getting along with my husband. We’ve been married two weeks and it was a mistake. Can’t I just get an annulment?”
Dating, courtship, friendship, getting to know someone—whatever you call it—it’s nothing new. Also not new is the idea that knowing someone comes first, marriage second. Or third, or long after you’ve gotten to know someone and, perhaps, learned to love a person.
Many couples—famously Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, formerly Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, and don’t forget Branjelina—have carried on years-long love affairs without going through the business of tying the knot. A recent study may show our movie stars reflect our reality: so-called Millennials are marrying later—and less of them are marrying—than each of the previous three generations (described by the Pew Research Center as “Gen X,” “Boomer” and “Silent.” On average, an American woman in the 1950s married at age 20; the average man at age 23. Today the average American woman marries at age 27, the average man at 29.
Some families like the Duggars—stars of TLC’s hit show “19 Kids and Counting”—have adopted and implemented dating rules consistent with their religious faith, by which children of dating age “date with a purpose,” always in the presence of a chaperone, and save kissing, hand-holding, body-on-body hugging and virtually every other form of physical contact for marriage. So far, the Duggar “courtships” have been short, lasting a few months and ending in a proposal to marry, and so far the kids are marrying young.
The Duggars may seem like a throwback to a bygone era, but many observers bemoan the weakening of the institution of marriage, caused perhaps by intergenerational prosperity which has caused both men and women to lose the motivation to marry and have children. Perhaps that is why Jamie Otis had such a hard time finding a man who was ready to commit. She said guys in New York City—where she lives—were just players until they hit their late thirties.
A reality that many families are only beginning to face is the effect that divorce can have later in life on caregiving, especially for adult children and stepchildren. Taking care of older parents is hard enough; the only thing harder is having multiple sets of parents to watch after. This difficulty is compounded by the impact of a chorus of people seeking to give their two cents, including spouses, siblings, stepchildren, half siblings, and stepsiblings.
Beyond the problems faced by those who are the children of divorce, worries loom for middle-aged people in the midst of a divorce. They too will require help in the future and the question of who will be around to do it is on lots of people’s minds. The problem isn’t a small one as data indicates that today one out of every three baby boomers is single, many due to divorce.
As we discussed last week (“Gray Divorces” Present Unique Challenges), the “gray divorce” trend is on the rise. They will all need help but who is going to step in? It’s common knowledge (and backed up by studies) that women tend to have stronger support systems in place than men. This means that women will likely be more secure in their old age with a larger network of people ready to care for them. Sociologists and others worry about how men, in particular, will survive without a wife around to help out in their old age.
One sociologist pointed out that because women more often keep the kids following a divorce (especially thirty years ago, the peak time for divorce for those entering old age today) the children may have bonded more with mom than with dad. Absent fathers may not have any children standing by to take responsibility if something happens.
Other problems facing older divorcees include the impact of stepchildren. Will stepchildren feel much allegiance to supporting their parent’s former spouse, one with whom they share no DNA? How about when parents remarry with adult children, some of whom have families of their own? Will those kids feel any kinship with the new step mom or dad and thus feel compelled to sacrifice for their care?
According to a recent article in the Christian Science Monitor, nearly half of all first marriages break up within 20 years. Some people attempt to beat the odds by testing out their relationship by living together prior to marriage. But does that actual help things or only speed along the relationship’s inevitable demise?
A new study, part of a larger marriage survey of 22,000 men and women, suggests that living together is not the kiss of death it once was thought to be. In years past, living together was a good signal regarding the poor health of an eventual relationship. The study author said that now living together prior to marriage is not as big of predictor of divorce as it used to be.
The trend towards cohabitation has been on the rise for decades. In the 1960s only about 10% of couples moved in together first. Among those they were more likely to end up divorced. Today, about 60% of couples live together before they first marry.
“It’s so common, it’s not surprising it no longer negatively affects marital stability,” said Wendy Manning, co-director of the National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University in Ohio.
The recent study by the Centers for Disease Control happily found that those who were engaged and living together before their wedding were about as likely to have marriages that lasted 15 years as couples who had not lived together prior to marriage.
But how about those who were living together but weren’t engaged? The new study found that marriage was less likely to survive the 10 and 15-year mark among this subgroup. These findings echoed studies from years past.
According to a recent article appearing on Yahoo.com, people emerging from a divorce may not find much luck in the dating department immediately thereafter. Though for some who had to go years without any new romance this is not only normal, it’s also healthier than a rebound relationship.
New York psychologist Leah Klungness, Ph.D. and co-author of The Complete Single Mother, says that while a divorcee may be experiencing pain and confusion following a divorce, it’s better to go through that then to numb yourself with an instant attempt to date. The distraction actually makes the healing process take longer.
As the single time drags on you may want to figure out why you’re dateless. Usually there are two main reasons for a post-divorce dating drought.
1. You’re not ready to date yet
You may feel lonely, your friends and family may try to set you up with someone but that does not mean you’re actually ready to date again. “Emotional preparedness for dating doesn’t happen magically because the final papers have been signed,” says Dr. Klungness. “Anger, bitterness, thoughts about betrayal and infidelity can linger. If these feelings aren’t worked through, they quickly surface, even in casual dating situations, and can sabotage any chance of romance.”
The best rule of thumb according to Dr. Klungness is that, “When the thought of dating starts with an ‘I should’ instead of an ‘I want,’ it’s a red flag.” Rather than rush into something you’re not really ready for, regrouping and giving yourself time to heal is the best plan. Use the time to do the things you love, concentrate on yourself and put yourself first for once.
One sign that you may be ready to date is when people start to genuinely look attractive to you. “Repeated instances of being attracted to different people suggests the authenticity of your feelings,” explains Jerald Jellison, Ph.D., author of Managing the Dynamics of Change. According to Dr. Jellison, when you’re attracted enough to consider spending time with five different people you should be ready to begin dating again.
If you want a divorce in Colorado, you might have to wait a bit longer than before. A new bill is heading to the state legislature for approval that seeks to add even more steps to the already complicated divorce process.
State Senator Kevin Lundberg is the primary backer of the legislation. The Republican says child safety is the reason behind instituting the bill. “When there are kids involved, I believe that it is in the states best interest to ensure that the couple understands and considers what impact this has on their children,” Lundberg said.
Lundberg’s bill would require couples to undergo a six-hour training session on how children are impacted by their parents calling it quits. Though current state law dictates that parents attend a similar session, it’s not nearly as in-depth.
Colorado attorney Catherine Burkey said, “When a case is initiated, then the people are ordered to go and attend a parenting class.” The primary difference with this new bill is that couples will now have to wait after completing the course. “There will be a period of months that they will wait before proceeding with the divorce,” Lundberg said.
Some divorce attorney’s agree that the proposed bill is a smart move. “This method of education is the best way that I know of at this point,” Burkey said. She anticipates that not everyone will be in favor of the bill, however.
Grand Junction Counseling, a group that specializes in helping families, says the more understanding parents have, the better. “Not only do you have the couple that’s going through this divorce, you have children going through a divorce. For the sake of the children I think it’s valuable,” Counselor, Stephen Anthony said.
According to a recent report on FoxNews.com, with the share of married adults at an all-time low in the United States, new research by demographers and social scientists at Cornell and the University of Central Oklahoma offers clues about what’s holding back young couples from taking the plunge into marriage.
Through a series of interviews with 122 cohabiting men and women between the ages of 18 and 36, researchers found widespread apprehension about divorce – even in those who have never dealt with it personally. More than two-thirds of those interviewed said they worried about their ability to form enduring marriages. The respondents said that they feared facing the potential social, legal, emotional and economic consequences that come with divorce, or so says a new study published in the December issue of the journal Family Relations.
Co-authors of the study, “The Specter of Divorce: Views From Working- and Middle-Class Cohabitors,” were lead author Amanda J. Miller, assistant professor of sociology at the University of Central Oklahoma, and Dela Kusi-Appouh, a Cornell doctoral student in the field of development sociology.
The researchers interviewed 61 couples in the Columbus, Ohio region who were living with their partners for at least three months. Nearly 67% of the interviewees expressed concern about divorce. The most frequently discussed worry was a desire to “do it right” and marry only once. This led many to view living together as a kind of “test-drive” before making the big decision. The idea that marriage was a permanent choice and difficult to exit was mentioned frequently as an impediment. Fears of causing emotional pain, embarrassment, child custody issues along with legal and financial problems were also frequently mentioned by respondents.
Many of those interviewed suggested that the rewards of marriage were not worth the risk of a potential breakup. The high divorce rates were cited as proof of this with many saying the cohabitation was working well and saw no reason to fix what wasn’t broken.
According to a recent report by the AARP, while the overall divorce rate in the U.S. has declined, divorce among those between the ages of 50 and 64 has spiked. What was once an oddity has now become commonplace.
“Historically we thought, ‘Older people, they don’t get divorced,'” said Susan L. Brown, co-director of the National Center for Family & Marriage Research at Bowling Green University in Ohio. “Now one in four people getting divorced is over the age of 50. In 1990, it was less than one in 10.” Such a huge change has intrigued researchers who are seeking to find out what led to the shift.
The divorce rate for those 50 to 64 increased from 6.9 divorces per 1,000 marriages in 1990 to 12.6 in 2009. At the same time, the overall divorce rate dropped from 18.95 to 17.92.
Researchers have said that the increase in divorce rates among older couples is because of the life transition that takes place upon retirement. Retired couples often face difficulties adjusting to life without children in the house and a busy career to keep them occupied. Retirement especially hits marriages hard as spouses who once defined themselves by what they did now are forced to find new meaning in their lives. Meanwhile, spouses used to being alone most of the day must adjust to having somebody else around.
If one or both of the spouses experienced divorce in the past, they are more at risk for a future divorce later in life, Brown said. The numbers speak for themselves; the divorce rate for aging baby boomers is twice as high for those who were previously divorced than those who were on their first marriage.
Unique issues arise for late in life divorcees. For those looking to remarry in their golden years, the pool of potential mates increases for men because the ratio of women to men increases with age. For women, however, it becomes harder to find a husband. Divorces late in life can also be financially devastating, with the woman typically qualifying for half the man’s retirement savings. Remarriage also raises concerns over estates and inheritances among the couple’s children from previous marriages.
According to Time Magazine, there are five reasons why 2011 may be the year to either get married or make your marriage work, particularly if you are interested in improving your life.
Charlotte Divorce Lawyer Blog